A number of years ago I attended a conference on human behavior and a key point was that for a decision to be complete it must be accepted both logically and emotionally. They continued that we make emotional decisions very rapidly as our subconscious mind takes first impressions, environment and circumstances because the fact that the lion about to eat us needs attention quickly! In contrast, logical decisions take time to process and accept, like truly understanding the impact of purchasing a large item. It takes time for your mind to wrap around all the details consciously and come to a resolution.
Recently, I have been thinking about this decision process associated to Ds relationships, but sort of in reverse. We think about and discuss Ds relationships from a perspective of logic. The submissive is expected to submit to the wishes of the Dominant and the Dominant is responsible to care for the physical and emotional needs of the submissive. Pretty straight forward; however, the reality is that the emotional aspects of acceptance and resolve have not completely set in when we ask our partner to perform a particular way.
As an example, it is 11 pm at night and I request Renn to provide a blow job to help me relax and sleep. Renn is tired and does not really want to perform the service, but logically she accepts her responsibility as a submissive and performs the service. On the surface, Renn has done as expected. However, she has not accepted the emotional aspects of the decision to serve. Consequently, her attitude and engagement in the process is less than stellar. This in turn leads me to have feelings of guilt that I forced her to do something that is emotionally upsetting to her and decreases the pleasure in receiving the service. This of course takes away from pleasure and I respond emotionally, which she senses as I am not enjoying it. And the negative cycle continues to build back and forth.
Don’t get me wrong, this works both ways. There are times Renn comes to me and needs my attention. I am busy and don’t have the time right now, but she is my first priority. So, I stop what I am doing so she can come to my knee and I will stroke her hair. I am fulfilling the logical expectation she has of her Dominant and I understand the expectation. However, she can sense my frustration and that she is bothering me. I then take it as she is not enjoying my attention which builds my frustration. Anyone see a pattern here?
So how do we break out of this pattern? I believe it is through two different aspects of Ds; creating a positive feeding cycle and the desire to please. With regards to the first aspect of creating a positive feeding cycle, my opinion is that the requestor has to be ready to load up the praise and the receiver has to control their emotional side. When you initially sense that your request has been met with less stellar excitement, praise them for being willing to submit. Acknowledge that they are providing the service and be happy that they are doing it. Don’t be upset and negative, they are complying and doing what was requested. By you being positive, you can break the cycle. Just receive and be happy! (I know sometimes our emotional self wants to step in and it is easier said than done...)
As to the recipient of the request, you have to find pleasure in your role in the Ds. If you are submissive, you need to be able to find pleasure in providing a service to your Dominant. If you are the Dominant, you have to find pleasure in providing for you submissive. You don’t have to love it, but if it is important to your partner and something that they truly enjoy and need from you there is a point that you should perform your role solely for their benefit. Conciously choose to put everything into it to improve their experience.
By taking the steps to avoid the negative cycle, you will actually start creating a positive one. Your partner will feel appreciated for making the effort and providing the service. In turn, you will get more out of their actions. For me, when it is 11pm and Renn is providing a service, I need to learn to be more vocal. Nothing charges Renn more than when I am praising her for her service, even when she hasn’t wholly emotionally engaged. Once I get her to make the turn, she is more compliant and things flow much better between us.
For me, it is clear that I need to slow down and make time to praise Renn and provide her the attention and protection she needs and deserves. I need to make sure that she “feels” emotionally that I am there for her and that she is my priority. In turn, Renn needs to embrace her submission and accept that there are things I will ask of her that while she doesn’t enjoy the task, I do. And both of us need to embrace providing positive feedback in those moments when the other does fulfill their role in the Ds relationship.
For a long term Ds relationship to flourish, it requires the couple to conciously acknowledge and recognize their emotional vanilla responses so they can then conciously choose a different response. Over time, the logical decision to be in a Ds relatoinship will bring the emotional responses more into line and the dynamic will flow with fewer ebbs.
This is an excellent topic. I agree with the logic vs. emotion premise in the general sense and I feel it is very applicable to D/s relationships. While the decision to submit is logical and the requests may be logical, the emotion creeps in and gets into our headspace both Dominant and submissive. As a submissive and a woman, I understand my Dominant is wanting to connect when he asks for things and for his pleasure. Logically I know it is right to submit and fulfill my Sir’s needs without hesitation. However, as my Sir pointed out, at 11:00pm at night after a long day, I am tired, and my emotion tends to take over. I will do as requested but I will sometimes sigh or act less than enthused. This in turn frustrates my Sir. The negative cycle begins, and we end up both upset. The times when I ‘suck it up’ and don’t give attitude or act like I am happy to serve give us both the push toward a more positive experience. If I start the positive, my Sir will normally follow that with praise, thus feeding the positive, not the negative. This works the other way as well. If my Sir takes time to praise me, even on small tasks, it goes a long way to feeding my submissive nature and desire to please him.
Just as any relationship, D/s is what you make of it. In our D/s dynamic we strive to feed each other in a positive way, we look for opportunities to connect and provide positive feedback. As a submissive, I sometimes must step up and lean into my submission in order to feed my Dominant and initiate a positive cycle. This is also true for my Sir. If I am struggling and my Sir is overly complementary and feeding my emotional side, I am much more willing to serve and do the things he desires. In another post, something was said to the effect that desire starts in the heart for a submissive, not the genitals. I know this is true for me. When I feel my Sir is feeding me with his care and positive attention, when I feel heard and validated, it lights my fire. My Sir also wishes to have his needs met and feel masculine and validated. When I feed this in him, he is more responsive to my requests and desires. For example, if I know we have had a long week of travel and work and I am going to be strung out by 11:00pm, if I initiate a blow job or sex earlier in the day it definitely feeds us both. He is pleased and satisfied, and I receive praise. Most of the time he realizes that I am working to head off a night time issue and enjoys putting me to bed because he is satisfied and feels his needs have been met. I end up having my needs of bedtime met as well. This response on my part is logical and thought out. It is filling both of our emotional needs and is leaning into my submission.
This is all part of good communication flow, as well as thoughtfulness toward the other person. It is showing respect. To me, this is all part of both the logical and emotional that my Sir speaks of. When we truly focus on the other and initiate logical thoughtful actions while also working to fulfill emotional needs of our partner, we are reinforcing a positive flow between us. This does not mean we will never have issues with the emotional, but when those times occur we are more willing to lean in to our roles and overlook a negative response in order to pull the other person in instead of feeling that negative energy take over.
Relationships are constantly evolving and I think this topic is one to consider when looking at your dynamic and the growth that can be achieved by leaning in and working on creating thoughtful, logical actions in order to drive emotional desires and responses.
Number of views (7168) Comments (13)
8/20/2018 9:12 AM
Great topic and rings so true!
This is a great example of when a couple is D/s, the thought process and changes that need to take place in order for the relationship to run as expected. One needs to think about their actions and how it will affect their partner and the relationship. This is also a great example of how it takes two to have a relationship and how both need to equally be putting in the same effort in order to feed the dynamic.
8/20/2018 10:56 PM
Excellent topic, and a great timing for me. I have recently started a new job and it has been very time consuming. My Little One asked me tonight if she could have a few "maintenance spankings" tonight. I obliged however we both knew I was tired and not as into it as usual. While L.O. was thankful for what she received I could feel her frustration. After reading this, I know this will help with future interaction. Once again, I love this website for the real life info/scenarios and real solutions.
8/21/2018 2:03 PM
Thank you both so much for this blog entry. As a sub, I was awoken around 11-ish and was asked the same thing. I let my emotions get the better of me simply because I had already been asleep and my sleep was interrupted by my dominant. I believe, if I had to do it all over again, after reading this blog and perhaps given a few moments to wake up and the psychological understanding of reading this blog entry I would have done things differently . I have a tendency to enter a deep sleep as soon as I fall asleep. So, pulling me out of that deep sleep takes a few moments and it definitely requires a conversation .
Angel (Dom Mod)
8/23/2018 6:42 AM
"I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob!" - Veggie Tales
So, MOA and I have come to understand this difference between logic and emotion as well. Far too much therapy across my years brought it to my attention. Knowing it and using it in the moment can be difficult. When we do manage to recognize what is happening the cycle turns positive and it is absolutely beautiful!
I really like this blog because this battle between "I know it" and "I feel it" is real for all humans as a part of the human condition. I have often realized my emotions are not agreeing with my thoughts and said outright to MOA that he needs to make my brain believe it. I like to think about as we are all logical beings but when you add psycho (enotions) to logical, a mess is often made.
Thank you for this blog! I feel like MANY people will do better as a result of learning the information you're putting out here.
9/16/2018 8:18 PM
Great read, thank you sharing and posting this.
1/10/2019 10:56 PM
Enjoyed this article very much, thank you both for your input. Taking mental notes!
7/3/2019 6:45 PM
Thank you for this. I need to start working on my emotional responses for sure. Regardless of what's going on I need to put our relationship above my current state.
8/6/2019 11:40 PM
Emotional stuff is super hard for me as a sub! Please keep posting about this :) very helpful . Thanks Hunter and Renn!
9/25/2019 9:06 AM
As a new Dom I obviously have a lot to learn to care for my wife/sub. Unfortunately we have had to put aside the D/s relationship for a while due to me not being able to control my emotional response. Also controlling her emotional responses when her somewhat dominant tendencies come out. She tends to get overly upset about things in her routine when they don’t go how she planned. This causes her to act out towards me and later blame me for not responding like a Dom should. ( losing my cool). Learning to control my response in a logical way is my goal. Thank you very much for this post and application of it is sure to help me improve. I hope to resume the relationship soon as we both need it to be truly happy and fulfilled in our life. Thanks again. Any other advise would be welcomed.
9/25/2019 9:12 AM
As a new Dom these issues have been so hard to control for both of us we have had to take a break from the lifestyle. We both need this in our marriage to be fulfilled completely. She tends to get overly upset and lash out when she’s frustrated. This triggers me to lose my cool and react emotionally sometimes. I know trading will help her with this if I learn to control myself. Thanks for this post. It has helped me very much to see what mindset I need to cultivate.
9/25/2019 9:19 AM
Sorry for the double comments
10/14/2019 3:30 PM
This was very enllightening...thanks
11/24/2019 9:48 PM
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the ugly cycle starts yet again. I wish there was a safeword during these moments of a warning almost , like “FIRE!”, to acknowledge the vanilla is taking over and for us both to come back to our dynamics. So another night of silence and going to bed mad which actually turns my stomach.. 😢