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A D/s contract is a voluntary relationship arrangement between the dominant and the submissive that is enforced by the dominant to keep order in the D/s dynamic. The formation of a contract generally requires an offer, consideration, acceptance, and a mutual intent to be held to the contract. The purpose of writing a D/s contract is to insure both the dominant and the submissive know the expectations and conditions that are to be met in the D/s relationship.
For a contract to have meaning for both the dominant and the submissive the contract needs to be discussed by both parties before the contract is drawn up. For example, I will sit down with MLT and ask what submissive goals she would like to work on first. From this point, I can put together rules, rituals, protocols and a training program that will benefit our dynamic. Having open conversation about the contract together also creates open communication, discussion and negotiation regarding each interests in the dynamic.
MLT is half of the relationship, why would I not want her input?
In saying this, MLT does not make her own rules, protocols and punishments but needs to have a say if it is something she is interested in or not. When making a ritual I need MLT’s input in order to make sure the ritual has meaning and serves a purpose in the dynamic. I also need MLT’s input on rules and protocols as I need to make sure her day is balanced, that she is not over loaded and is able to complete her service. I personally see no point in spending time writing a contract that my submissive may not sign or in the end has no desire to adhere too.
The contract should consist of each others expectations as well as rules, rituals, protocols, punishments, hard and soft limits. It needs to be clear, precise and to the point.
One down side to a contract is that it can make the dynamic very ridged, not allowing the dynamic to grow naturally. What can end up happening is you can essentially be putting yourselves in a box. To avoid this, I use a contract only to make sure that MLT and myself are on the same page at that exact moment in time. I consider my contract a breathing document. Not all my rules I add may be considered a good rule once put into action. I myself may not like a rule do to it over loading my plate by having to correct and praise to often. A rule may not work for MLT because it may interfere with other rules and tasks. Rules always sound great at the time but may cause stress to the dynamic in the long run. For this reason I like to have my contracts dated for a months time. This way after a month I will sit MLT down and reevaluate the contract and edit out expectations that did not fit in our dynamic or serve a purpose or disturbed the balance. At this time I will add or tweak or take away rules, allowing us to be constantly flowing, not ebbing.
As a dominant, I always keep in mind that when writing a contract I need to adhere to it as well.
- If I have the rule:
MLT is not to swear except during play.
I cannot walk around swearing and expect her to be held accountable by corporal punishment, this creates hypocrisy.
- I don’t make rules that I don’t have time to enforce.
Once the dominant stops enforcing his own rules and expectations he cannot possibly hold the submissive to the standards of the contract.
- The contract should never be used as a weapon on the submissive.
“You better do it! You signed the contract!”
Such statements erode trust and respect and may leave the submissive feeling trapped and reluctant to sign another contract in the future.
Instead, I will use my contract more as a training tool. I may do a servitude scene or an obedient and discipline scene. This way I am going over my contract in a controlled environment and not using the contract as a weapon. I am also creating play in the bedroom and not doing redundant scenes.
When the contract is drawn up and both parties have signed the contract it is now time to be consistent. Your submissive is relying on you, the dominant to hold her accountable, be her leader and not allow her to stray. Making the mistake of allowing the contract to fall to the wayside will only show your submissive that you yourself are not putting forth the effort.
My Submissive's Perspective:
The thought of a contract may seem intimidating at first but the document is a powerful tool to keep the D/s relationship on track. My Sir is very clear that the contract is used to affirm my goals, my expectations and the rules for me. But our contract is also used to define my expectations that I have for My Sir. Of course the contract does not state that My Sir has rules but it does express that as my dominant he needs to carry out certain behaviours that would make him a dominant I would want to follow.
I love how My Sir describes the contract as a breathing document. By being flexible in the contract, we are able to still push limits and try new things and if certain aspects of the contract aren't working for either one of us then the terms can be and have been re-negotiated. It is important to note as well that the contract is not an ultimatum. As a submissive, if for even an instant something doesn't sit well with me then I have the right to say so. If this happens My Sir and I discuss the issue thoroughly to come to an understanding or an agreement. It is also important to remember as My Sir said the contract is not a weapon to be used against each other if the situation arises. The purpose of the contract is to have a written and signed agreement of consent by both parties.
Number of views (11053) Comments (9)
3/26/2018 5:55 PM
While Renn and I do not have a contract, we agree that it is important to come together regularly and discuss the expectations of both the Dominant and the submissive in the relationship. Having a mutual understanding of expectations is a critical to maintaining a healthy flow and avoiding any undue ebbs. There are many aspects of training and behavior that have become stumbling blocks for us due to our failure to communicate in advance on our mutual expectations. Having a contract or document that you can review and update is a great way to get things out on the table for discussion in advance. It is also important to ensure that you follow through on those expectations when the time comes to avoid an ebb in the dynamic.
4/26/2018 6:29 PM
i find this whole thing about contracts interesting. Never had one with my former slave and don't have one with my submissive wife. I will say however, she is going through a list of limits that she will agree to. I am not sure a D/s relationship can grow around a document that I find limiting in understanding and knowing a person. I can understand the use for scene play. Just not sure it works for a true 24/7 D/s relationship, At least in the last four years with my submissive I have not noticed a determent in not having one.
4/29/2018 3:29 PM
A contract is used to insure that both parties are on the same page. I agree that if the dominant is going to be ridged and try and fit their dynamic is a box that a contract may not be the best course of action. I consider my contract a breathing document allowing us to grow. In the end the contract is strictly used to open up proper communication and discussion regarding expectations.
I would say the opposite and say that a contract allows for a true 24/7 D/s relationship. I say this because I consider my D/s a relationship and to have a healthy relationship it takes two, both must be happy for it to be sustainable. A contract puts all on the table and lays out expectations on both ends.
5/14/2018 12:57 PM
I think the contract is as much for the Dom as it is for the sub. It informs each as to the expectations. A contract should be a living breathing document that is revisted to make sure it still represents the goals of the dynamic. To me, the contract is means of establishing how the dynamic is going to work and function.
8/8/2018 7:22 AM
We have a contract but how do we make it legally binding ? I want to assure my dom that I will abide by the contract for life
8/15/2018 11:53 AM
A D/s contract can not be legally binding. You can not draw up any type of contract that supersedes the governed laws. A D/s contract is simply to put yourselves on the same page in that moment in time. A contract should not made to be ridged by putting yourself in a box. Treat it as a breathing document so you can grow.
1/31/2019 8:41 AM
Our contract is revisited w/ option to revise. Currently we do this every 6 months.
2/1/2019 9:28 AM
We had a contract when we began our 24/7 D/s journey many years ago. Between now and then for various reasons it went by the wayside. When things settled down in our lives and we re-committed to the lifestyle all the things that we agreed to years ago were the same but my Viking added several items (some were quite a surprise) and this go around the document is called a 'set of rules'. My contract with my D is pretty simple, what He says is what happens. My part is to discuss and I have many opportunities to voice my opinions, concerns and desires. We generally try to have a meeting every week, usually on Sunday when we have time. We get very busy here and it's so easy to get off track and go vanilla. W/we need our set of rules in a hard copy and in a place where W/we can access it easily. It's way too easy for me to forget what's what and get "carried away" as the Viking calls it. For me the document is a lifeline at times because either of U/us can easily view it and be brought back into the order our D/s provides in this chaotic life.
4/8/2019 11:17 PM
We just started Ds and have a contract. That’s actually as far as we have gone so far. And I loved the contract creation and contract reading session we did. We will continue with contracts because I feel it also adds certainty to what we said we would give and do for each other and can easily remind ourselves. It feels safer and comforting as well as the clarity it provides.
A great read. I see myself . Trying to hard to please. And now understand I'm taking from his power. So happy I found this site. Will help me be a better sub
I'm stunned by how much of this reflects our situation, I wish I could talk to you more in depth about it, but thank you for the insights! :)
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the...
This was very enllightening...thanks
Sorry for the double comments
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