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Over time there are struggles between the people in a Ds relationship looking at if they are getting back as much as they are putting into the relationship. It is important that you take the time to be honest and open in a supportive manner to work through these times of imbalance.
A long term Ds relationships are about consciously focusing on and changing the relationship dynamic. While we logically understand our desire to fill our Ds roles, in the moment our emotional vanilla response rules the day. It takes both the Dominant and the submissive to conciously recognize their emotional responses and lean into their Ds role when their partner might be leaning out.
We all have methods of dealing with stress and conflict that we have learned over years. This is particularly true when looking at our long term relationships. You know your partners buttons! Recognizing your learned subconscious response to conflict is key to growing your Ds dynamic.
At the basis of a D/s relationship is the question in your heart of whether you get pleasure from pleasing your partner? If you really are just in the relationship for yourself, then D/s probably isn't going to be right. If, however, you find that something inside you lights up when your partner laughs, smiles or is generally pleased then D/s might add a new deeper dynamic to your relationship.
In all relationships there comes the day that things just do not go right and the D/s dynamic and BDSM play are not exception. When our play or dynamic goes awry we call it a train wreck and how you handle it is an important part of a D/s-LTC relationship.
When conflict arises, we tend to go back to the behaviors and attitudes that we have developed over the course of our long term relationship. These tend to be elements of withdrawal from the conflict instead of engaging in open and honest communication. We refer to this as “Going Vanilla”.
How well are your feeding your submissive in your D/s dynamic. Providing concrete reward and recognition of their submission will do more to further the development of your dynamic.
In a D/s relationship there is the aspect of Dominance and submission by one party over the other. What happens when the submissive fails to submit and how the Dominant handles non-compliance is critical to the success of your D/s dynamic.
A Dominance and submission lifestyle requires you to strike a balance between the structure (rules, rituals, etc.) and the ability to lead a fulfilling life. If the burdens of submission or Dominance are too intense to fast, then the overall lifestyle isn’t livable and ultimately may fail.
This is a post from Renn on her thoughts on Submission with a Dominant Perspective. Submission isn’t easy. It is a mental game (sometimes battle) that takes place in their mind. The ability to truly and deeply accept submission takes time, but allowing it to develop and take deep root is well worth the reward!
A great read. I see myself . Trying to hard to please. And now understand I'm taking from his power. So happy I found this site. Will help me be a better sub
I'm stunned by how much of this reflects our situation, I wish I could talk to you more in depth about it, but thank you for the insights! :)
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the...
This was very enllightening...thanks
Sorry for the double comments
As a new Dom these issues have been so hard to control for both of us we have had to take a break from the lifestyle. We both need this in our marriage to be fulfilled completely. She tends to get overly upset and lash out when she’s frustrated....
As a new Dom I obviously have a lot to learn to care for my wife/sub. Unfortunately we have had to put aside the D/s relationship for a while due to me not being able to control my emotional response. Also controlling her emotional responses when...