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In the beginning of a Ds relationship there is a lot of excitement and play around the new and unexplored aspects of Ds and BDSM. As we have discussed in other blogs; this excitement drives the cycle and flow of the submissive feeding their Dominant the emotional and physical support they crave which in turn causes the Dominant to feed their submissive by taking the lead and setting the direction for the relationship. The cycle is sometimes strong and at other times weak; however, this flow is necessary to keep the relationship “in balance”.
By balance, I refer to the aspect that both the Dominant and submissive are getting something from the relationship and feel that they are benefitting from the power exchange. When one of the participants in the relationship starts to feel that they are giving more than they are receiving or that they are being taken advantage of in the relationship, it is out of balance. This in turn starts a negative cycle where one participant in the relationship starts to back away from the other.
This is a difficult point in the relationship where the “vanilla” tendencies start to work their way back into the relationship. Head games, frustration, silence and general negative emotions flourish in this environment. We understand that the fundamentals of open and honest communication are required to short circuit this situation. It is important to step up and be forward about what you want in the relationship and call that you feel it is out of balance.
It is also as critically important that the partner receiving this information does not take the vanilla step of becoming defensive. It is difficult for both Dominant and submissive to confront their partner with what they want and need only to be met with pushback and invalidation. As the receiver of the information it is important that you take the effort to step back from yourself and consider the information that your partner is providing to make an accurate assessment of how you could better fulfill their needs and desires in the relationship.
There have been many times where both Renn and I feel that we have communicated multiple times what our desires were, only to feel that it is falling on deaf ears. You need to be mindful that usually this out of balance occurs when one of the people in the cycle does not feel appreciated or cared for in the dynamic. They feel that they are putting into the cycle, but not receiving the reward and recognition associated to their efforts.
Things come up in life. Work, kids, illness; just general life. However, you need to be mindful of when, even in these times, your partner is still fulfilling their role in the relationship dynamic and are they receiving the reward and recognition they deserve? Remember, a successful Ds dynamic is formed from one person feeding the other and then that effort cycling back to the other feeding the first. Take the time to consider where you are in the cycle and to what extent you are participating in actively feeding your partner.
I agree that when any relationship becomes one-sided, it throws the relationship off its track. In a Ds relationship, if honesty and openness break down for whatever reason, and one person is not feeling that the other is fulfilling their role, the ebb is imminent. If good communication and consistency are a priority, having ‘confrontation’ should not be necessary. ‘Life’, be it work, family, etc., sometimes edges in and we feel we don’t have time for our responsibilities at home and lose our Ds focus. This is when it is most important to take the time to connect and reconnect daily. While the submissive should continue to serve and work to please the Dominant, I feel it is the Dominant’s responsibility to ensure the care, welfare and safety of the submissive in all areas; this includes emotional and communication. While a submissive can ask for downtime, it is best for the Dominant to have protocols in place to ensure good communication is taking place. For example, if a morning ritual is in place, it should not be overlooked because of being rushed. Rituals, or times set aside, are in large part what make a Ds relationship special and different. They are there to ensure that connections continue and are not overlooked. Coming together and coming back together are very important aspects of Ds.
Sex and BDSM practices are only a part of the long term committed Ds dynamic. The sexual part of a relationship will not be sustained long term without the connections and communication being open and ongoing. This is why we are committed to long term committed relationships. We and many others are coming to Ds because the vanilla way of living was not working. The difference is not just the kink. The biggest differentiator is the focus on communication.
My Sir makes a good point in that when communication is initiated, it is important that the other person not become defensive. It is easy to revert to our vanilla selves and feel that the honesty and open communication is directed at us negatively. Much of this defensiveness can be overcome if the actions, body language, tone, words and connection are positive and not harsh. Maintaining roles and responsibilities while communicating, making the other person feel that they are important and loved are very important aspects of this type of communication. For example, the submissive can assume the position either on the floor or respectfully seated as their Dominant has requested. The Dominant can touch or make eye contact with the submissive to let them know they are considered and listened to.
Finally, I feel the Dominant is ultimately responsible for the submissive and her care. If he keeps the communication open and flowing, an ebb is less likely. If the Dominant is not open to or does not take time for listening to the submissive and sharing their thoughts and feelings, there will be more chance of miscommunication or lack of balance. On the flip side, if a submissive feels that there is a lack of communication, they should ask for downtime or time to talk openly. The ultimate goal is to live our roles and nurture a long term, loving relationship that feeds both people.
Number of views (7205) Comments (6)
2/21/2019 5:44 PM
I like how you stress open honest communication in this post. When life gets busy that is often when communication needs to be at it's peak. If you know you have each other for emotional support during these times; making it though a difficult time together often tends to make for a stronger bond. It is easy to grab a little bedroom time when the opportunity presents it's self if your relationship is on solid ground.
Angel (Dom Mod)
2/21/2019 7:01 PM
Reaction to hearing something you don't want to hear is paramount to facilitating further open and honest communication. No one wants to speak up when it is met with a negative response.
2/22/2019 8:17 AM
Great article and at a perfect time for us as the last 3 months have been crazy busy. Busy times have always been especially hard for us because I tend to suck it up and put up with not getting attention until I hit a breaking point. Now I know it is imperative that I let RNHunter know when I'm feeling neglected in order to avoid a fallout, and he is more aware when I am and tries to take care of it before we hit a low. The communications skills that we have developed just in the first 6 months of our D/s relationship have been invaluable. I wish we had this knowledge years ago. Even when flare ups do occur, it seems that they last a lot shorter time.
3/20/2019 9:13 AM
I really love this article. Need it now more than ever.
7/9/2019 9:02 PM
This is a good article. W/we are coming off a very long break from our M/s lifestyle and going to try D/s instead. We need to make sure our communication is strong.
11/24/2019 9:22 PM
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the ugly cycle starts yet again. I wish there was a safeword during these moments of a warning almost , like “FIRE!”, to acknowledge the vanilla is taking over and for us both to come back to our dynamics. So another night of silence and going to bed mad which actually turns my stomach.. 😢
A great read. I see myself . Trying to hard to please. And now understand I'm taking from his power. So happy I found this site. Will help me be a better sub
I'm stunned by how much of this reflects our situation, I wish I could talk to you more in depth about it, but thank you for the insights! :)
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the...
This was very enllightening...thanks
Sorry for the double comments
As a new Dom these issues have been so hard to control for both of us we have had to take a break from the lifestyle. We both need this in our marriage to be fulfilled completely. She tends to get overly upset and lash out when she’s frustrated....
As a new Dom I obviously have a lot to learn to care for my wife/sub. Unfortunately we have had to put aside the D/s relationship for a while due to me not being able to control my emotional response. Also controlling her emotional responses when...