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Remember that a Ds is not about what you get, but what you give. In the blog post “The Ds Cycle between the Dominant and Submissive” we talked about how as you are the Dominant and meeting your submissive’s needs, desires and expectations they in turn will be more submissive and meet your needs, desires and expectations which feeds your Dominance. So the question of if Ds is right for you deals with the degree you are willing to give up being selfish and focus on giving to your partner.
Dominants – Do you love taking care of your submissive? As a dominant you are taking on the responsibility of ensuring your submissive is cared for, protected, provided for and mostly that they feel loved. Are you ready to deal with the problems and issues that they bring forward and put their well being above your own? This is at the core of what a submissive wants; they want to feel the love of their dominant and know that they are focal point of your attention.
Submissives – Do you love pleasing your Dominant? As a submissive you give up a lot of control to and perform many actions for your Dominant. Some of them aren’t that fun, comfortable or easy; but if you genuinely get pleasure out of serving your spouse, then you can find success in being a submissive.
This isn’t to say that we don’t ‘get’ things out of a Ds relationship, but the core of a successful Ds is developing trust and communication while minimizing the games of the vanilla world. If you are focused on being selfish in either a Ds or vanilla marriage, ultimately it will lead each of you toward trying to find fulfillment in some place else.
I have to say that after a year and a half of our Ds-LTC, I love my wife more today than I did during our 23 years of marriage. We still have our bumps and challenges, but when we talk about it openly focus on developing our individual roles for the other person in our Ds the issues tend to work themselves out in time.
I tend to agree with my Sir’s perspective here. We have both grown throughout this journey. We do not want to lose the friendship and love we have. When I hear people talk about how their marriage is not working, I want to tell them there is a better way and share our Ds with them. I realize this is not for everyone. I know that the basis of a Ds relationship can help improve your relationship. The trust, respect, communication and focus on your partner are the most positive and affirming things you can do for any relationship, Ds or not. The fact is, it is difficult when you have ‘two cooks in the kitchen’, ‘two chiefs’ or ‘two generals leading the troops’. Some people are more inclined to lead and others to follow. In most relationships someone leads, and in this dance, you need someone to follow. When you figure out how this works best in your relationship, you will achieve better results and much of the vying for power and fighting will cease.
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A great read. I see myself . Trying to hard to please. And now understand I'm taking from his power. So happy I found this site. Will help me be a better sub
I'm stunned by how much of this reflects our situation, I wish I could talk to you more in depth about it, but thank you for the insights! :)
This post is amazing. I feel the biggest struggle my Dom and I have in regards to the lifestyle, is exactly described in this article. It’s to easy for the Vanilla to overtake my Dom, and I return, I become guarded with my submission and then the...
This was very enllightening...thanks
Sorry for the double comments
As a new Dom these issues have been so hard to control for both of us we have had to take a break from the lifestyle. We both need this in our marriage to be fulfilled completely. She tends to get overly upset and lash out when she’s frustrated....
As a new Dom I obviously have a lot to learn to care for my wife/sub. Unfortunately we have had to put aside the D/s relationship for a while due to me not being able to control my emotional response. Also controlling her emotional responses when...